I Chose To Live

In 1998, I almost had a nervous breakdown, due to the stress of my job. I was subsequently diagnosed with depression. I desperately wanted to get better, so I saw doctors and psychiatrists.

With the advent of the internet, I started doing my own research. The medications I was taking, were not helping and I wanted to know what I could do to get rid of this depression. According to what I found, I have been suffering from depression all my life. I have always had the suicidal thoughts, the listlessness and the lack of motivation to do anything. Some people in my life said I was lazy, but it turns out I was sick.

I read many books, and visited hundreds of internet sites to try to find the answers. I went through maybe 50 to 100 different types and combinations of medications, to no avail. I was crashing desperately, and wanted to find the answers for the good of my family. I wanted to make sure that my sons did not suffer from my illness.

In 2007, while doing some research, I came across some sites that seemed to describe me perfectly. These were sites about transgendered people. It appears I have a female brain, and because my body is male, it caused a lifelong depression. My brain could not reconcile living in this body and being treated as a male person. This realization explained a lot of the feelings and thoughts I had when I was growing up.

This knowledge did not help the depression. I tried to discuss this with my wife, but she lived in denial and wanted nothing to do with this. And the more I knew what was going on, the worse I got. It got to the point that I was taking pills in the morning to wake up, pills at night to go sleep and various pills to get me through the day. I was getting worse.

One day in February 2010, I had decided that I had enough of living like this. I thought it would be better for all concerned, my wife and kids, that I kill myself. This way they wouldn't have to live with my depression and transgendered feelings. So, I had started to commit suicide. I won't go into the method of suicide that I chose, because it is irrelevant, but suffice it to say, that I started to feel the life leaving my arms and legs. I knew that if I lay there for another hour, I would be dead.

But something stopped me. As I lay there, recuperating, it dawned on me that if I am to live, I must live as a woman. This realization made me stronger. And at that point, the clouds of depression broke, and I was able to stop taking all the medications. Since then I have been happy, for the first time in my life.

After explaining all this to my sons, one has accepted me as the person I am, but the other has a hard time with the concept. My wife had accepted that I must do what I have to, but suggested that in order to transition, it may be better for me to live on my own.

So for my peace of mind, on June 1, 2010, I moved out of the marital home and started to live my life as a woman. I then changed my name to Rikki Marie-Josée Dubois.

This is not a lifestyle choice. If it was, I would not have done it. I have lost my home, my marriage and one son. Though my older son accepts me, I no longer live with him. And I miss that. The only choice I made was, I chose to live.

In June 2011, I had my gender reassingment surgery. Since then, everytime I look in the mirror and I smile. My body is now perfect, except of course of maybe an extra 10 pounds around the belly that I would like to lose. Welcome to womanhood.

I now spend my time helping others like me. To let them know that they are not alone and to help provide resources for them. I have written, and published, a children's book called “Muffy was Fluffy” that explains to children what it means to be transgendered. In the book, Fluffy is a kitten who does not understand why she is not like other kittens, but comes to realize that in order to be happy, she must change into Muffy, a puppy. It is available in hardcover and softcover by ordering from McNally Robinson Booksellers and Amazon.ca.

I am now happy with my life. I have a partner of four years, who helped me with my transition and holds me when I cry, and cries when we laugh. My life couldn't be better.

#ichosetolive